Life Before Death II

I went to see my brother yesterday. He lives about an hour and a half away. I had not actually visited him since my sister died 3 years ago.

My middle daughter was with me and we had a nice visit with my brother, his wife and various other family members.

My bro is so kind hearted that even when he has not worked in a year and has only minimal income, his house is open to the family bums. He has two 30 something nephews living with him...not working...not contributing to the troubled household but selfishly mooching off a dying man. I asked him why; he really had no answer. I didn't pursue it as it seemed rather pointless but it makes me wonder.

I can't say my brother looked well; he didn't. He is 6'3'' and he now weighs 148 lbs. He says he will lose more weight if he decides to continue with radiation and chemo. I don't think he wants to go through it again. He seems to be ready to end all this pain and suffering. But even with all the pain, he was upbeat. He said his affairs are in order and he has taken care of things so his wife can go on living in their home. My sister-in-law said she isn't worried because she knows god will take care of her.

How am I? I don't know. I question my feelings everyday. I love my brother but the fact that he is dying has not shattered my life. It makes me wonder about my own health, since I am older than all but one of my siblings who have died. It makes me think about our growing up years..not all happy times, but we have not been close for a long time.

Am I cold-hearted? I hope not.

Closure

I had an early morning conversation with a close friend this morning and the subject of closure came up. We discussed several events in our lives where closure occurred in strange or unexpected ways.

My friend related her experience in a recent broken relationship. She said she had needed closure and that it came in the form of a terse email with a subtle reference to a new partner. She stated that at that moment she accepted the fact that the relationship was over.

I think the term is overused and overrated. Is there one defining moment when something becomes less painful? Perhaps, but I don't think so. Time is the healer of all wounds, as the saying goes. In the case of my friend as is true in my own experience, time passed, That moment was the culmination of many other moments, hours, days and weeks of suffering the pain and realizing that it was a permanent end to the relationship.

I do think we need closure, but in the sense of time rather than an event. An event may be the point at which one realizes that closure has happened but I doubt that one event makes it possible to store away the pain and move on in one's life.